Upon realizing my status in my current state, I have noticed an anomaly. I am a very anti-social creature. I do not think this is by nature, as I have in my past had friends, though they were few but they were very close to me. Family, they were more like family.
In a Hannah Arendt sense of the word WORK (derived from her Vita Activa) the current work role that I fulfill keeps me away from home for what seems like days at a time,. I find this to be a partial reasoning for my lack of social activities. I am in a town in which I know practically no one. I wonder amongst myself if this is on purpose?Do I avoid most human contact, having a daughter and a wife I must say MOST in this scenario. Have I become so inwardly drawn into my own shell that I avid contact with the outside world? More than anything I question weather I still fear those things beyond my front porch.
We as humans must have some sort of social contact. There are those who spend years away from people only to find insanity hiding in there corner. I believe in some sort of ritual to obtain acceptance, I, use my wife and daughter as a filler for the lack of other human contact. Though they are my heart and soul, they are all I ever see, minus the hours spent working.
I seem to be steering in some sort of chaos, arriving at a place where it is OK to have these varying constants. I seem to justify having a few people in my life to get just enough happiness to remain sane, but not so much that I have broken the cycle of abandonment issues stemming from my younger years. Here to I question my actions. How can I preach of breaking cycles and circles when I contain a perfect sphere inside of my own mind.
Can I, or better yet, can WE as a species continue on in life without social connections to the outside world. Does the apparent truth of a tainted reality that lies outside of my norm, really belong in my/our lives?
My daughter seems to be forced into taking on this character flaw of mine. Because I do not feel like going somewhere, she does not get to. Though I have tried to take her places, it seems as if I am forcing myself out of my shell, in which my addiction to be alone was created, and also seems a sanctuary.
How an I change this? I know that all human thought is able to change with the right amount of focus and determination I can change my way of thinking. My addictions can become a subsided event. Knowing the answer does not mean I know the path to obtaining it. I know the ending of the movie, but I still need to know the events that lead up to the climax. As human beings we struggle with addictions daily. We fight urges we dare not speak of to another. I know in my own mind I am guilty of things I wish not to speak of, but have the ability to avoid these situations, the reasoning to see past charades to inner chaos of others, and of myself. I, as many others, do not act on these urges. The proposed plan of action involves a similar change in thought pattern. I must achieve my goals... I am sick of being alone in my own mind...
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